27 People I "Dated" Last Year
Part One of Four
It was actually 26 men and one woman. I had sex with 11 people on the list, five of those more than once. I kissed/made out with but did not have sex with six of them. I received five dick pics, three of those unsolicited. I sent out my own regrettable pics to two people, and I hate to admit, traded video with two others. (Please forgive me if you have the great misfortune to ever see a horrifying Annie La Ganga sex tape that somehow shows up on the internet. It is my sincere hope that it will never be the case, but, as we all know, shit happens. I'm so very sorry. I would like to say it was the folly of youth that led me to do such a thing, but I am 47 years old.)
- 63-year-old marathoner/yoga enthusiast. We traded far too many messages than was necessary. It was before I knew better so I needlessly gave out the good stuff writing-wise with this guy. (Sadly, none of our correspondence survives because of an early OKCupid inbox purge of hate and anger over a different dude.) We had brunch at Russell's Bistro and he bored the shit out of me for two hours regaling me with tales of his golden child son at UT. After we ate, we took a completely weird stroll around the parking lot and then he gave me an inappropriately long/close hug before I got in my car. I never saw or heard from him again.
- Tom#1. Oh creepy, creepy Tom#1, you seemed so nice at the cafe, shy, funny, but then you shoved your eight-foot tongue down my throat! His enormous tongue was so surprising that I laughed as he was trying to kiss me. Laughing upset him. It turns out that men don't often feel good when you laugh during erotic moments. If you're both having a silly fun time and laughing is part of the moment, that's great, but if he's using his super-lady-lovin' tongue and you bust out, it's sad for him. I decided that he was just nervous, not creepy, and that was why he unceremoniously tried to gag me with his mouth monster, so I agreed to go out with him again. Our second date never happened because the afternoon before our date, he sent me a text that said, "I'm really excited about our date tonight!" I thought that was so sweet. I texted back, "Me, tooooooooo!" Then he texted back a picture of his creepy giant boner. Then I texted back, "Sorry, I have to cancel." Then he texted back, "Why?" Then I texted back, "Your boner pic is what some people would consider a red flag dating-wise." Then he texted back, "Why?"
- SuperSadMan. My first experience with the online dating phenomenon of men overselling their looks, underselling their crazy. SuperSadMan's profile pics were okay. He wasn't super hot but he was interesting looking. I like that. Super hot guys are out of my league and make me feel insecure. Give me a hilarious, sexy, smart, ugly man any day! I'm a sucker for what I consider a pretty face, don't get me wrong, but I lean toward the strangely attractive man. I consider myself a strangely attractive/jolie-laide kinda lady and I like to stay in my own market. Anyway, SuperSadMan, by virtue of his OKC photos, was strangely attractive and his profile name was clever. It referred to two German artists I like. We started up an intense correspondence pretty quickly. I liked it. He was INTENSE about THINGS and he wrote LONG messages to me. We decided to meet at the Blanton museum to see a small exhibit of Meatyard photos. How civilized! How smartypants artsy of us! I was very excited. I wore a dress and nice boots. As soon as I walked in, I saw him. I could tell it was him because he was a lone weirdo staring at me in the foyer. Otherwise, he was barely recognizable! He did not look like his pictures AT ALL. Once I got up close and shook hands, I could sort of see the resemblance. I had no idea what to do so I took his hand and marched him up the stairs to the exhibit. I didn't know it before I got there, but it was a special event day at the museum, a day of experimental music! EXPERIMENTAL MUSIC IN A MUSEUM. That's all I have to say, right? It was not only screeching and horrible but fucking earsplitting, so LOUD! Because it was so loud, we couldn't talk at all. We decided to get out and go have lunch. I was willing to let him off the hook for the at-least-15-years-old, 75-pounds-thinner profile photo discrepancies if we had a good time at lunch. Lunch was at Blue Dahlia and it was excruciating. He was petty and irritable at best, deadly boring and SUPER SAD ABOUT THINGS at worst. What could I do? I took him home to have sex. Surprisingly, it was a disaster.
- AdorableMark. Very cute, good sarcastic sense of humor, terrific cock. Srsly. The cock of my dreams. So sad that it was attached to AdorableMark. All I need to tell you is that after we did it, he made me watch a 25 minute video of him playing Frisbee Golf.
- TotallyLegitSexyNiceMan. A highly-educated, good-looking, talented musician (for real, not just fronting, I watched a video) totally great guy. We met at Epicerie and I had a hot flash. I sat sweating while he ate a roastbeef sandwich and showed me pictures of his new amazing puppy. He was polite, cool, and had a PUPPY!! What more could a woman want? Sadly, we had totally mutual ZERO chemistry. It was like we were different species of plants, there was just nothing to do but be nice to each other, get the fuck out as soon as possible, and become great friends on Facebook. Since our date, he's gotten two more amazing PUPPIES and whenever he puts up another outrageously adorable puppy pic or video, I think if only we were even remotely attracted to each other, that puppy could be peeing on my shoes right now. Life is not fair.
- FreakyFreakE. I liked FreakyFreakE. He had a great personality and I don't mean that in some kind of snarky way, he was a fun person. He was charming, dapper, classy, and an undeviating sexual deviant. He was a total perv in the best ways. Nothing freaked this guy out. Nothing was icky or spooky or gross or off-limits. I think we traded one vanilla/clean/polite OKC message and then it was ON. The dirtiest dirty talk about the dirtiest dirty things! So fun! The best dirty talk/dirty texter of the entire 27. We met for a coffee at a cute little bistro and within five minutes, I had my shoes off and I was rubbing his dick with my foot under the table. We decided it would be fun to go to a sleazy motel and fuck. In minutes, we were out of the bistro and checking in to a spooky, gross motel under I35. It looked like the set of a David Lynch porno. I was terrified that I was gonna get tetnus from the bedspread. The sad, saddest thing about my time/s with FreakyFreakE, is that once we were actually DOING dirty things, I wasn't that into it. I don't think he was, either. But, we both acted like it was amazing! Wild! Crazy! But, it was really just tiring. Of course, we got together again and it was fun but not amazing. At one point he said, "I don't see why people get so freaked out about sex, it's just a hobby, like chess or bird-watching." And then he pressed me to have a three-way with another woman he was seeing. I said I'd consider it.