27 People I "Dated" Last Year
22. ItalianStallion. We met for coffee at Monkey Tree on a Sunday night. He wore a backwards newsboy cap and a Yankees T-shirt and completely pulled it off. He had a thick East Coast accent that made me crazy. I loved it! He was pretty funny and he complimented me a lot. He unabashedly looked me up and down in a wolfy way that I liked. He was unapologetically masculine in the most old school he-man way and I liked it. Basically, he was BUTCH--I've only ever met women who could do extreme masculine in that way and make it awesome. We talked for a couple of hours and drank a lot of coffee--he had shots of espresso like a real Italian, so hot. Finally, I insisted that we go make out in my car and then call it a night. My idea of making out turned out to be a junior high dance compared to his. In the moment, his totally aggressive sexual style was hot. But after I threw him out of my car and went home, I wondered if I'd had a good time or simply been molested. I admit it, I should not have seen him again. I should've listened to my Inner Wise Woman who said, "That dude is a motherfucking monster!" Without going into detail, I'll say this, ItalianStallion was into rough sex and my idea of rough sex turned out to be a D.A.R. luncheon compared to his.
23. Smoker. Smoker and I went on a date during the summer. We had coffee and talked for hours. We had a lot in common and I found him attractive and hilarious. A touch performative and long winded, but his stories were interesting. He'd lived all over the world, he once spent the night in an African jail because he got in a fistfight with his brother on safari. We had a brief and promising minor make out after our date. He said, "I want to you see soon. What are you doing tomorrow?" I was busy, but free the day after that. He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and said, "Until then, Babe." I left with mixed feelings about the whole thing. I liked him but 1) He smoked and it grossed me out. 2) He talked A LOT. 3) He called me Babe in a way that seemed like he already thought of me as his girlfriend. On the day of our next date, he called me at 8am. He told me that he'd found out that a woman he'd been in love with forever was interested in going out with him. He told me over and over how much he enjoyed meeting me and how fabulous I am but that he had to go forward with this woman for whom he'd had such a long unrequited crush. I wished him all the best and meant it. A few months later, I got a text asking if I remembered him and would I like to maybe go out sometime? I went out with him. Why the heck not? We met for a meal at Epicerie and he told me funny, self-deprecating stories about the disastrous relationship with the woman of his dreams. I liked him all over again, except for the smoking. The next day, he got in touch and I told him that I'd love to see him but the smoking was a deal breaker. I quit smoking 17 years ago and I JUST CANNOT STAND THE SMELL. He told me that he'd quit! What? I wasn't prepared for that answer. He did! We had a bizarre mini-relationship. He treated me like I was his girlfriend immediately. It was like he needed a warm body to project a girlfriend onto, and complain to. He COMPLAINED! He complained bitterly every time we spoke, every time I saw him. He complained about one thing--his horrible ex-wife. It was maybe the ugliest thing any of the 27 did. He used all the ugliest woman insult words, he went on and on about the massive injustices she wrought against him daily. At first, I'd have sex with him to get him to shut up, but very quickly, the whole thing made me hate his guts. I dumped him three weeks to the day of our first date. It was two and a half weeks too late.
24. Comedian. He was FUNNY. He was DEPRESSED. His apartment smelled like DOG PISS. He didn't want to have sex, he wanted to watch Back to the Future. I got strep throat the day after our date and never saw him again.
25. FourTimeFelon. A friend in AA set me up with FourTimeFelon. He hadn't been sober very long so our date was actually a tiny AA meeting. I assured him that life would get better, a lot better, and that it was so good he was sober and working what sounded like a very good program with a terrific sponsor. We even prayed the serenity prayer together. Then we went for frozen yogurt and I never saw him again.
26. HotGuyWithALadyName. I didn't ever meet H.G.W.A.L.N. but I put him on the list because he was my first Tinder match and I liked him. He seemed like a very cool guy. We texted a lot and made plans to meet for brunch. I didn't notice until a day or two before our date that he lived 350 miles away. I brought this up to him and he sent me a picture of his boner in response. Our correspondence ended.
27.CuteJohnGinger. I absolutely adore CuteJohnGinger. He looks like a completely normal dude bro but he is a true freak. He has all kinds of ridiculous quirks--he won't use a clothes dryer even though he has one, he only goes running if he's drunk, and he makes magic wands that his daughter wants to sell at Sherwood Forest Faire. He is the only one of the 27 that I still see--and it's kind of a miracle. I liked him a lot when we first met and then I didn't like him and then I liked him a lot and then I didn't like him and then I liked him a lot and then I didn't like him. He was running his own cycle of liking/not liking me and eventually we bagged it completely. One night I was swiping through Tinder and he showed up. I hadn't seen him in a while and it surprised me to see his face. I didn't right swipe but I sent him a text that said I'd seen him on Tinder, that he looked good, I was sorry that it didn't work out with us, and I hoped he was doing well. That's what I meant, I didn't want to hook up again. It just so happened that I sent the text to a stranger. Of course, I had purged CuteJohnGinger's contact info from my phone the last time I didn't like him but I thought I knew his phone number. I didn't! The person I sent the text to texted me back. He told me he was a 45-year-old man in Minnesota and asked if I was single. I didn't respond. A week or two later, I sent CuteJohnGinger a Facebook message saying essentially the same thing I said to the creepy man in Minnesota. We had a good chat and I felt like we were actual friends. I was sure we wouldn't ever have sex again and that seemed right. I'm not sure how I ended up at his house trading brunch for sex recently, but that's what happened. I think we have achieved that elusive relationship unicorn so many try for but few attain, we are friends with benefits. And, we have an agreed-upon rate of trade for food to sex. I feel good about it.