27 People I "Dated" Last Year

27 People I "Dated" Last Year

These six men all have one thing in common, I didn't have sex with any of them! In fact, I didn't make out with any of them! I exchanged brief, civilized, low-touch hugs with some of them. None of them wanted photos of my feet.

14. Mr.IndependentVoter. I have to admit, I only went on this date because I was hungry and bored. I was going to cancel but I wanted El Caribe and a reason to shower and put on an actual outfit. I washed my hair and wore my cat print blouse and clean jeans. I should've cancelled and gone to El Caribe alone in my dirty yoga pants. Dude did not shut up. Topics discussed: his brilliant, beautiful daughters (who all got big boobs which is a mystery because his bitch of an ex was flat as a board), why single-payer healthcare will never work (and he knows because he has a friend in Sweden who can't get the back surgery he needs), what the second amendment really means, what Christianity is really about, what people really need to do to make this country great (a convoluted rant that included not criticizing white guys all the time). While we were waiting for the chips and salsa, I took him on/called him out a couple of times but as soon as food was on the table, I gave up. I ate and got the fuck out. We did not hug but he offered me a freelance writing job. I never spoke to him again but I rebutted everything he said angrily to myself in the car on the way home.

15. DoesHeNotKnowHe'sGay? Does he not know, really? He's in his 40's. He did a bunch of therapist-quoting, so I have high hopes for him. It's possible he will allow himself to be who he truly is one day. I hope so, he was a nice man. Or did I misread the scarf and thumb ring? 

16. ChronicPainSufferer. Poor C.P.S.! He told me that when he gets up in the morning, all of his joints sound like cracking lumber. He has cluster headaches, mysterious, constant foot pain, ongoing spinal/chiropractic/alignment issues, probably I.B.S. (which is why he didn't finish his pie, besides he can't really taste food anymore). Of course, I had an amazing time on this date! I gave as good as I got! We talked for three hours. By the time we said goodbye, he knew about my lifelong problems with pms, my depression, and the weird thing with my toenail that happened when I lived in New Orleans. A great guy who agreed with my g.p. that I should try evening primrose oil for my pms/perimenopause symptoms.

17. ItWasTheShoesMoreThanAnything. A long time ago, I went on a date with a great guy. I really liked him a lot but he was wearing a TERRIBLE watch. I couldn't stop staring at it. When I told my therapist about it, she said that it probably wasn't the watch that bothered me, but that the watch was a symbol of my true feelings for this guy, an unconscious dislike that I would become aware of if I saw him again. She was correct! I.W.T.S.M.T.A. seemed like a lovely guy. We had a lot of fun messaging before our date. He was funny, sarcastic, good gallows humor, filthy but not creepy sex jokes, and he only spoke of his ex-wife with respectful, wry resignation. I was sure we'd have a fun date even if there was no chemistry/real attraction. BUT HIS SHOES WERE TERRIBLE! They were loud. They were pointy. They were trying too hard. We ate at Mother's and then walked over to the Elisabet Ney museum. I couldn't stop looking at his shoes, the bright springtime sunlight seemed to make them glow with horribleness. I could barely hear the words he was saying. When we got out of the museum, I gave him a side hug and said, "Thanks so much for brunch! Great shoes, by the way!" He said, "Thanks. I've had these forever. I really like your sunglasses." 

18. PinotPalette. I mentioned him in this post and there is a picture of him if you're interested. He was attractive. He was polite. He did not ask me a single question. I said these things in that post and there isn't much more to say. He was one of the most uninteresting people I've ever met. He wasn't aggressively boring, just flat, no flavor or weirdness or anything. It was good that we were on an activity date. His painting was lame, too.

19. Tom#2. LovelyLadyDate got in touch with me a couple of months after our date to see if I might want to have a threesome with her and this hot new guy she was seeing. She sent me pictures of his face and his penis and said he was very cool. I agreed to meet him. He and I talked on the phone and had lots in common. We really had a great conversation and we both thought L.L.D. was darling so we made a date. As soon as we saw each other there was that unmistakable heaviness, like a drop in energy, I swear it has a sound--dunt, of complete and utter sexual incompatibility/borderline revulsion. I felt super creepy for having seen a photo of his penis. I do not know if he knew I had seen it. I did not ask. We labored to talk for a few minutes and then we killed it quick. I do not think we touched in any way or got within three feet of each other. About a month later, he texted me a picture of Lux Interior. I do not know why. I did not ask. 

My Favorite Freak of the Week

My Favorite Freak of the Week

Oh yes!

Oh yes!