27 People I "Dated" Last Year
12. SexyFatGuy#2. Strangely, all three of the S.F.G.s had monosyllabic names. I bring this up because it dawned on me during the time of the S.F.G.s that my father had been a fat man with a monosyllabic name. My father was also from the East Coast and so was S.F.G.#2. I wasn't that freaked out about it but my sister was. She has a particular way of saying, "Eeeeeew" that she employs when she is at once amused and grossed out. I think I told her about the three S.F.G.s during the same conversation when I told her about the two CreepyToms. Tom was our father's name. How many times did she say, "Eeeeeeew" during that conversation? MANY. There was also this encouraging Facebook exchange:
Anyway, S.F.G.#2 was a nice guy. We met at Spiderhouse and we were both wearing Chuck Taylors. He was 50-ish, had three kids, and was a drummer in a metal band. They wore skeleton-like makeup when they played. He also had a real job but it was too boring to talk about, something at a school district. The best part of the date was when he accidentally threw his car keys in a dumpster. Thankfully, a kid working at Spiderhouse was able to get them out. We made out for a minute or two after that. It was nice. I never saw him again.
13. SexyFatGuy#3. S.F.G.#3 was the sexiest and the fattest of the three. He was extremely fat. A very large guy. He was so fucking hot and the sex with him was incredible. His body was like a vast landscape of hotness. There were some physical limitations, in terms of positioning and movement, but it didn't matter. It was all awesome. He knew how to do THINGS. Sadly, once the sex was over, HE WOULD NOT SHUT UP. He was one of those people who lets every thought pour from his brain, out of his mouth, all over everything, like a verbal Valdez oil spill. Plus, what he said was annoying, repetitive, and self-indulgent. We only got together twice--I just couldn't take the talking. I told him that I couldn't go out with him again because I was getting serious with another man I was seeing (total bullshit). He asked, "Is it because I'm fat?" I told him that I found him completely sexy and hot (total truth) and insisted it had nothing to do with him (total lie). Should I have told him the truth? Should I really have said, "Dude, I would've been your sex slave for eternity if only you could shut the fuck up with your annoying constant babbling"? I feared if I opened that can of worms, I'd never hear the end of it. I got a text from him several weeks after I broke it off. I was so tempted to see him but his text said, "Can we get together and talk?"