27 People I "Dated" Last Year
7. LovelyLadyDate. When FreakyFreakE suggested LovelyLadyDate as the friend for us to party with, I was interested. Her Facebook photos were very pretty. I decided that I wanted to meet her on my own, go on a date with her before all of us got naked together. I wrote her a Facebook message that said something like, "Hi. We both fuck FreakyFreakE and he would like the three of us to have a party..." Then I proposed getting together for a drink just the two of us. We met and had a really nice time. It was fascinating seeing her. We have very different looks but I could tell that we are both his type, there was an unmistakable similarity between us. I liked seeing my type expressed in another woman. It made me feel good about my type. Sadly for FreakyFreakE, my wonderful, and informative, conversation with LovelyLadyDate led me to the decision that I would not be having sex with FreakyFreakE again and the three of us would not be having a party. I drove LovelyLadyDate home and we made out in my car for a few minutes. I think of it as the sexual equivalent of eating an ice cream sundae. It was very sweet and yummy, but not an explosive turn-on for either of us. When I got home, I saw that her red lipstick was all over my face. I looked like an old-timey clown. It took six makeup-remover towelettes to get it all off. It made me wonder how men get lipstick off their faces. Do they keep makeup-remover towelettes just for this purpose?
8. SexyFatGuy#1. Successful, rich (he had two airplanes and lived in a subdivision with small airstrips and big garages), and probably alcoholic. We got into a sexting relationship pretty quickly. He was my first guy who wanted a fake lady friend. This is the kind of guy who wants to text A LOT but not meet. I had a couple of these guys show up but learned the signs pretty quickly--basically, they over-text but don't ask you out within the first few days. I think they are either married, not at all who they say they are, and/or want to feel like they have a connection to a woman without having to encounter a real person. And, they like to jack off to photos of your feet. We did go out once and it was awkward. We met at Easy Tiger. I was unimpressed with the pretzel and that seemed to offend him. We didn't have much fun at all but that didn't stop him from trying to text me up that very night. We never went out again but he did send me a link to the realtor's website so I could see photos of his colossal house. It looked like a cross between the set of Scarface and a Good Housekeeping model home--gold-tone fixtures, marble, and tiles painted with blue geese on the kitchen sink back splash.
9. PastorMatthew. If you know me, you've heard this story so I'll hit the highlights and get out. My one and only time with PastorMatthew, an actual pastor, was AMAZING! Even though he was short, had a huge taut belly, and looked like a garden gnome, he radiated dominant sexual power. He was a BDSM KING. I went to his house in Hutto for the sole purpose of getting a spanking and he delivered. It was one of the hottest times in my life. I think PastorMatthew had a pretty good time himself, but while we were having post-spanking Diet Cokes and chatting, he told me about the many boner-killing mistakes I had made as a submissive--talking too much, asking for what I wanted instead of gratefully receiving what I was being given, and laughing when he brought out a ping pong paddle. There was talk of future training but we both knew that I was simply a BDSM tourist and he was the real deal. The next night, I showed my totally purple and black ass to my writing group. They were impressed.
10. PastorMoe. When I found out that PastorMoe had been a pastor (he'd had a painful conversion to atheism a few years before, shouting at God in the middle of the night then turning to BDSM) I started to wonder if I had a subconscious attraction to kinky men of the cloth. Unlike PastorMatthew, he was totally fucking creepy. But, he was interesting. I saw him twice. The first time, we met at a Starbucks and discussed BDSM generally. It seemed completely out of the blue, but he later told me that he could tell I was into it. It turned out that he was a kind of profiler for a security company. A man who gave people tests and interviews to find out if they were embezzling or doing other naughty stuff at work. He had me take a 66-question test. I was thrilled to find out that I am not a sociopath! When he told me about my results on our second date at Thai Kitchen, I was impressed by his specificity and accuracy. After dinner, we went back to my place. He brought a big black gym bag full of dark sexual gadgets. It ended up being like a BDSM fashion show. I got to try on medical restraints, collars, and ankle cuff/shackles. I looked good in all of it but PastorMoe decided that I was not slave material. I was relieved. I never saw or talked to him again. And, to be totally honest, the biggest turn-off for me was the giant phone that he wore on his belt.
11. PoorLittleLithiumGuy. Another perpetrator of overselling his looks. His photos must've been more than ten years old, and it had clearly been a hard ten years. We met at Epoch. It was a really cold day but he was sitting outside. He was wearing a long black wool coat covered in huge pieces of lint. Lint caterpillars. He already had a coffee so I went in to get my own. One of the baristas I adore asked how my day was going and I told her that I was at the start of what I was sure would be the most depressing OKCupid date of my life. She suggested I have a friend call with an "emergency" in 15 minutes. I texted Rebecca and asked her to be on alert in case I needed her "emergency" call. When I sat down with him, I noticed that his hands had a familiar shake. I realized he was on lithium. In order to make us both comfortable, I immediately brought up the topic of my new med. We talked about meds, depression, and 9/11 conspiracies. Sick and sad or not, he wasn't a very nice guy. When he asked if I'd like to go out again, I simply said, "No, thank you." He got up abruptly and walked away. It was kind of an awesome move.