Warning Signs

Warning Signs

 
Yes. I sent this to a stranger. It was appreciated.

Yes. I sent this to a stranger. It was appreciated.

  1. Angry affirmations written on the bathroom mirror in red lipstick.
  2. Klonopin and coffee.
  3. Ignoring the therapist's texts.
  4. Guacamole stain on the pillow.
  5. Getting $2 worth of gas.
  6. Going out with a man who calls himself a "God fearing American" without irony.
  7. Shopping for an IUD on eBay.
  8. Three visits to Beijing Foot Massage on Burnet.
  9. Top Ramen.
  10. Anxiety attack about the moon disappearing.
  11. Sleeping 20 hours, still taking a nap the next day.
  12. Becoming a performance artist.
  13. 24-hour electricity cut-off notice.
  14. Googling "How long can my cat have worms without permanent damage?"
  15. Online personality quizzes. (ENFP)
  16. Composing, but not posting, angry tweets at Susan Miller for having an auto-immune disorder and repeatedly putting up monthly Astrology Zone horoscopes late.
  17. Vegan chili.
  18. Escaping on the Greyhound.
  19. Thinspiration.
  20. Bursting into tears at Starbucks when meaning to say, "tall Americano with extra room".
  21. Having a Domino's Pizza online ordering profile.
  22. Spanking porn.
  23. Asking a young man, "Is your father single?"
  24. Adult coloring books--come on! You know it's true.
  25. Diarrhea at The Dollar Store.
  26. Listening to a convoluted Patty Hearst/Mao/Saigon Press Corps./Battle of Ap Bac conspiracy theory for four hours at Central Market Cafe on North Lamar.
  27. Prose poems.
  28. Frito pie.
  29. Looking forward to a Target Cafe hot dog.
  30. Going all the way to IKEA for $.79 dishtowels and the free cup of coffee for IKEA Family members.
  31. Judging/gossiping about a bakery coworker for eating cake out of the trash, then doing it yourself and pressuring others to join you in the special treat, "Trash Cake".
  32. Buying a rare book about bad 18th-century hairstyles.
  33. Habitually saying to waiters and waitresses (like it's a totally original funny joke), "I only ate it all so I wouldn't hurt your feelings."
  34. Strunk & White, 8 Nights of Erotic Massage, and The Bell Jar stacked on the back of the toilet.
  35. Sniffing your own towels before using them.
  36. Getting upset about spilling coffee on a clean dress because it was gonna be good for a few days and now you have to wash it again before the next wearing.
  37. Thinking that breastfeeding kittens or foxes would be highly preferable to nursing a human baby.
  38. Googling "Signs he's a sociopath."
  39. Masturbating to Craigslist Casual Encounters ads.
  40. Using a vibrator to actually massage your neck.
  41. Really wanting to wear a burqa.
  42. Making an Easter egg hunt for other childless adult friends. Filling the eggs with small plastic toys, a one-ounce bar of silver, and a necklace that says "Whore."
  43. Microwaving a kitchen sponge to kill germs instead of buying a new one.
  44. Cutting your own hair.
  45. Earnestly bragging about how many times you pooped that day.
  46. When the Foodie at Central Market asks if you have any other questions and you say, "Am I on the right life path?" and meaning it.
  47. Getting really excited about receiving your friend's hand-me-down coconut oil.
  48. Making sexual noises while rubbing jewel-toned acrylic paints all over your body.
  49. Odor Eaters.
  50. NEEDING to go to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night to buy a crochet hook and yarn.
  51. Compulsively drawing cats instead of writing.
  52. Naming your double chin. (Jean)
  53. Rehearsing pillow talk in the car on the way over.
  54. Mandalas.
  55. Statement rings.
  56. Telling the cashier at HEB, "I'm ovulating."
  57. Deciding to sell crafts at the Sunset Valley Farmer's Market, giving up, donating your 10x10 tent to German Shepard Rescue after six weeks. Knowing you waited way too long to quit.
  58. Worrying that sex will hurt your back.
  59. Googling "Is it okay to eat moldy bread if you toast it?"
  60. Prednisone.
  61. Dating a man who has a beer sign, an air hockey table, and 7 bikes in his living room.
  62. Making mean faces at babies when their parents aren't looking.
  63. Getting a tattoo that says, "I hate housework." (It's on the back of my arm in latin--Domi Curationem Odi)
  64. Kale.
  65. Habitually masturbating to imagery from an issue of a 90's DC comic when Swamp Thing and Abby have sex by eating a psychedelic fruit Swamp Thing popped out of his chest.
  66. Getting nostalgic about having a kidney stone because they gave you morphine.
  67. Telling your sister to make sure that if you predecease her, she'll buy you a Hello Kitty coffin in the traditional 80's red and white style.
  68. A night shirt that says "Kiss my grits."
  69. True, childlike wonder and excitement about Buc-ee's.
  70. Staying awake nights wishing you had one of your ex-father-in-laws BBQ'd hamburgers.
  71. Collecting sea glass, pinecones, and puffy stickers.
  72. Discovering that Blue Dahlia's waffles are frozen, ordering them the next time anyway.
  73. Looking up nutrition facts for "Seven pieces of tilapia."
  74. More than one inspirational word hanging on your walls.
  75. Creating a secret Facebook group called "I don't feel good."
  76. Chase Bank low balance warning email.
  77. Dating a 45-year-old man who drives a hearse.
  78. Sending photos of your feet to a stranger.
  79. Eating a block of cheese in the bathtub.
  80. Hair so dirty, the water beads on it when you wash it the first time.
  81. Making your own belts.
  82. At-home waxing strips.
  83. Switching from the $7 hair dye to the $2 brand.
  84. Rereading Bataille's Tears of Eros for the third time because oddly, it cheers you up.
  85. Planning for the possibility of prison, imagining how much writing you'll get done.
  86. Comparison shopping for colored pencils.
  87. Drinking apple cider vinegar mixed with grapefruit sparkling water and a Splenda.
  88. Praying for forgiveness before shopping at Hobby Lobby.
  89. Only wearing flip flops from April - November.
  90. Googling "Do flies feel pain?"
  91. Wishing you have cancer so you don't have to finish your book.
  92. Constantly switching the air conditioner back and forth between 60 and 90 degrees.
  93. Keeping fifteen years of morning pages under your bed.
  94. W.O.O.F.-ing.
  95. Needing to watch your favorite episodes of Parks and Recreation whenever you eat.
  96. Cargo shorts.
  97. Imagining gray kittens and a pony baking blackberry pies in a meadow of clover in order to fall asleep.
  98. Seriously considering a mini-house.
  99. Candy for dinner more than once a week.
  100. Writing a blog.
She's doing it with the planet!

She's doing it with the planet!

 
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